My body absolutely vibrated when I placed my hand on one of the five piles of the Spirit@Work® Cards. There was so much energy emanating from the top card that I actually had chills coursing through my spine. I was both scared and curious as to what the card would be if I drew it. The card was Forgiveness.
My first thought was to wonder who I will end up forgiving. Someone from my childhood? Will it be me, or the little girl in me? I’m not sure whether the little girl needs to be forgiven. I carry the shame and guilt of my childhood. But the little girl wasn’t the one doing the bad things. They were being done to her. She simply carried the burden. I feel as though forgiving her would imply that she did something bad to be forgiven for.
Perhaps I need to forgive the adult in me. The person that I am today. For allowing myself to be affected the way that I was. Perhaps I need to forgive myself for not truly living my life and instead being so afraid of doing anything wrong, and therefore not taking a chance. Just barely living because it was safer in that realm. Perhaps I need to forgive myself for keeping the secret.
The text that accompanied Forgiveness spoke to me very loudly – in a gentle way. For the first time, I’m listing an entire paragraph from the book.
We need to “come out”, to own up to being human, to being vulnerable and fragile, to owning pain, to needing love, compassion, and forgiveness, to wanting more from life than to be right or to have the last word. In short, we need to become whole by declaring ourselves to be real humans, and this means having the courage to seek a state of grace with others – to forgive. We achieve this when we seek to understand the view of others, and if we cannot agree with them or with the values behind their actions, then we must seek to be in a state of grace by freely and fully forgiving them and then moving on.
The poem did not disappoint me. It allowed me to consider how I can forgive myself for waiting this long to start to heal within.
Quietly, I ponder the remorse and forgive myself for imperfection.
Fear is eased away by the love that fills my heart.
I feel love’s fullness. It gives me strength.
I imagine a very peaceful existence awaits for when I can live those words completely.
While contemplating Forgiveness for the last few days I found that it gave me a different outlook on life. An enthusiasm that is refreshing and welcome. I love the idea of forgiving myself for allowing my childhood to affect me the way that it did, for the length of time that it did. I found that I was filled with optimism and lots of energy.
As I’m remembering events and writing the book, I’m forgiving myself for the parts that I need to forgive myself for. Could peace be found in something as simple as forgiving myself?
I know that this is a card that I will hold in my heart for the rest of this practicum, and probably for the rest of my life.
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