I have just finished a twelve week memoir writing course which I totally enjoyed taking. I thought I would take a moment to share my final writing assignment which was also linked to a five minute reading.

My biggest fear is that I will feel this way for the rest of my life. My second biggest fear, is that I won’t.

Poignant words, which still hold true for me today.

Distant and not-so-distant memories flooding my senses in an unorganized manner. Each one with a sense of urgency, a fear of being forgotten. Tumbling over each other. Fading into each other. Speaking to my Soul. Emanating from my Soul.

Today, March 28^th, is one of two days in the year that my body faithfully responds to, with a knowing that is felt at a Soul level. The day finds me in deep reflection, my heart heavy, and full of almost unbearable memories. Somehow a comfortable well-known existence that is welcomed. It wasn’t always like this. For years it was a day for celebrating, replaced for about six years as a day I dreaded and could barely tolerate. Then, slowly, over the past two years I’ve emerged from the cocoon which held me firmly in its grasp. This is part of who I am now. There is comfort and peace in the treasured memories my heart holds. Some so painful, my heart instantly breaks over and over again. A pain so intense, it will never diminish to a time it when it won’t hurt.

Thursday, October 30^th, 2008 I was doing supper dishes and suddenly felt so strange. The feeling foreign, empty and not going away. I went to the living room, turned on the television, and tried not to feel. Not to know. I couldn’t understand it. I couldn’t deny it. I found my husband and barely whispered, “Something’s wrong. I can’t feel Janet.” Unable to say anything else, I returned to the living room and the unseen television show.

I don’t know how much time passed before my cell phone rang. I was still sitting on the couch, dish towel in hand, daylight turned to darkness, television on, and knowing I did not want to answer my phone. It kept ringing. I had to answer it.

Softly. Tentatively. Cautiously. “Hello?”

The voice was muffled and broken, “Alice, its Billy. I don’t know how to tell you this.”

The words, “I can’t hear you” sounded desperate and foreign to me as they escaped my lips. A more accurate response would have been, “I don’t want to hear you.”

He started again, “I don’t know how to tell you this. Oh God!! … It’s Janet.”

“Please Billy … Don’t.”

Then I heard the words which could never be taken back.

“Janet is gone.”

A deafening silence held the space for a moment before he started to cry.

I started screaming. Still holding the phone. No longer talking to Billy. I felt my husband Mac pull the phone from me with his left hand, while struggling to hold me up with his right arm. I could hear him. He sounded so far away. Asking Billy what happened. I could still hear the screaming. My screaming. Mac telling Billy he would call him back in a minute. Mac trying to hold me up as I slipped to the floor, no longer able to hold my own weight. My heart explosively shattering into millions of pieces. My baby sister was dead. Killed in a head-on highway accident, on her way home from work.

At her gravesite I place a bouquet of two roses. One white, one pink, with delicate fern and baby’s breath tucked in among the roses, and tied together with soft pink ribbon. An identical bouquet in my car. I touch her laser engraved portrait. The cold of the black granite monument echoing how I feel. Desolate. Alone. Yearning for another moment of her arms embracing me in a comforting hug. I release two helium balloons, one white, and one pink, one at a time. The first balloon for her. Once out of sight, I release my balloon, watching until I can no longer see it. Wishing I didn’t have to visit her like this. Not wanting to stay. Not able to leave. The tears still falling. The forty-one years of memories still tumbling. I return to my car. Leaving my baby sister behind once again.

I hear her voice, her laughter, and sense her presence and never ending happiness. We’re at a family celebration, spending a day shopping, feeding her horses, talking on the phone, renovating the rental home we bought, cooking Christmas dinner together, and simply enjoying each other immensely. We share an unconditional love, which fits each of us perfectly.

It’s been two years since my sister died. I wake for a moment from my dream-like state. It’s 2010. I’m struck by the passage of time. I marvel at how I mark my time now. Before and after Janet’s death. I remember counting the days, then the weeks, months, and years. I marvel at how similar it is to when a baby is born, nine days old, twelve weeks, six months, fifteen months, and then two years old. Except I’m not marking the passage of life. I’m marking the passage of death. I have wrapped myself up in a blanket of grief for two years. Briefly opening my eyes for a day, before I close them once again, and return to my blanket of grief. Existing only in my memories.

I have come to the realization that I will always have this tremendous feeling of loss. It’s the price I pay for the gift of having Janet for my sister. A price I would pay over and over again in a heartbeat, if only to be able to experience such an amazing relationship once again.

I’m a different person today. I’m somehow more at peace with my thoughts and cherished memories. Our last words, spoken less than 24 hours before her death.

“I’m so happy, Alice! I love you.”

“I love you too! Be careful.”

Tumbling … Fading … As the years fold into each other.

I love the idea of living a life with Kaizen as the grounding center!

The definition of Kaizen according to the book which accompanies the Spirit@Work Cards® is:

“The capacity to do the same thing a little bit better every day may not look like a spectacular achievement in the short run, it is. The Japanese call this Kaizen: continuous improvement in personal life, home life, social life, and work-life, involving everyone. Kaizen is a Japanese word, which literally translates into ‘better way.’ It’s the art of doing the same thing better, rather than doing things differently. Kaizen is the practice of making small improvements in the status quo through continuous, ongoing efforts.”

The book continues with:

“Kaizen is subtle and effective. Reverence for the details of little things, the magic and Wonder of small, incremental changes over time, can be remarkable – like the result of constant incremental change in a bonsai tree or in a Zen garden.”

I have always taken baby steps in anything I’ve done. Life seems easier when projects are broken down into smaller parts. There’s less stress involved when I’m playing with a portion of something rather than the entire thing. A great example would be this blog site. The thought of creating a blog site with 200 blog entries in it felt insurmountable. Writing one blog at a time … not so bad. Writing the first blog was really hard to do. I trembled as my hand hovered over the Publish button. Today the blog site has more than thirty posts. They didn’t show up in one day. They were added slowly, over time, each time getting a little easier, improving blog by blog.

I loved this section of the accompanying poem:

Help me treasure the practice of improving what I do,

Developing Mastery in every part,

Every approach, and every perspective.”

It might sound like something insurmountable. You have a lifetime to achieve Kaizen. Practice it daily and you will grow and realize your full potential … over time.

How can you bring the practice of Kaizen into your life?

Higher Ground Leadership Principles® and The Spirit@Work Cards® are registered trademarks of the Secretan Center.

“Every day, we are faced with dozens of decisions. We can choose the style in which we make them. We can act in the best interests of the Soul by bringing more Mastery, Chemistry, and Delivery into the world, as well as Kindness, compassion, Honesty, truth, and Love – or we can act from personality by being competitive, ego-driven – even hostile and angry.”

Wise words found in the book which accompanies the Spirit@Work Cards®.

When I think of Kindness, simple acts come to mind: cleaning the snow from the car beside you in the parking lot, letting a mother with young children go ahead of you in a grocery line, smiling at people you interact with in your daily life, opening a door for a person, and speaking in Kindness. There is an endless list of possibilities of how a person can add Kindness to another person. In most cases, it takes very little time to do so.

The amazing thing I’ve noticed about Kindness is that it can make such a difference to the person receiving it. I believe that in the life we’ve created we’ve almost forgotten about being kind. It’s become something that surprises another because of its rarity. I wonder how something so simple to accomplish slipped through the everyday actions of our lives.

The poem that accompanies the card has this to share:

“Kindness gives strength, understanding, and goodwill.”

and,

“Help me be kind in my actions.

Let me connect, with kindness,

To another and another

In every action, in every interaction.”

I know that if you start by making a conscious effort to practice Kindness that it becomes an unconscious part of your everyday life. It happens without thinking about it because it becomes part of the fabric of who you are as a person.

How are you going to start to practice Kindness in your life?

Higher Ground Leadership Principles® and The Spirit@Work Cards are registered trademarks of the Secretan Center.

“Unconditional and totally attentive listening – sacred listening – is a beautiful gift to the Soul of another.”

“We serve best by listening with sacred attentiveness and then acting constructively on what we have heard.” 

“Sacred listening is open listening; it is effective listening that seeks to understand, without being defensive or manipulative.”

     These are three of my favourite sentences from the book which accompanies the Spirit@Work Cards®.

     Imagine a world where your words are heard exactly the way you wanted them to be understood. A world where people listen and hear each other as a natural way of life. By listening whole heartedly we would be able to hear the nuances in their voice, see their body language, and feel the spiritual energy of the person talking.

     When we listen to a person consistently, with our full attention, we open up a space for trust. We’re able to develop a deeper, more meaningful relationship, instead of a superficial one where each person is saying only what they think the other wants to hear.

     If you were to take listening within yourself, what would you hear? Do you listen daily to what your heart and Soul want and need from you? Do you honour their requests?

     Amazing things happen when you give yourself the gift of listening. Deep down you know exactly what is right for you in any given moment. Your true passion, and the path to happiness, is within you. It’s waiting to be heard and acted on.

     When was the last time you took a moment to listen to nature? The sounds of the birds singing and chirping, the barking dog off in the distance, or the rustle of the leaves in a gentle breeze, can all have a calming effect on the Soul. The full benefit of listening to the sounds of nature can be achieved by simply opening a window by just a crack. That’s all it takes to allow the calming sounds of nature in.

     How will you bring listening into your life this week? Will you listen to others, yourself, and nature with your heart and Soul? Will you listen with the intent to actually hear what is available to you?

     Try it! See what happens … it truly is a gift to the Soul of another, and to yourself.

Higher Ground Leadership Principles® and The Spirit@Work Cards® are registered trademarks of the Secretan Center.

A new year, and a new way of playing with the Spirit@Work Cards®.

I was pleasantly surprised to draw Listening as the first card of the year as that is exactly what I’m doing as I start this journey.

My intent is to draw one card a week, on Mondays, and to blog about my experience with the card on Sundays. I am not going to return the drawn cards to the deck. I want to spend each week of the year with a new card to consider and implement into my life. Although the cards are designed to be considered in a work environment, I’m going to use them to play with self-discovery and growth for the year.

The sentences that resonated with me the most from the book were:

• We are experiencing a growing social ailment – a sense that we are not being heard.
• We cannot meet the needs of others – delivery – if we do not pause to hear what those needs are. We serve best by listening with sacred attentiveness and then acting constructively on what we have heard.
• Sacred listening is open listening; it is effective listening that seeks to understand without being defensive or manipulative.

My favourite sections of the poem were:

Guide me to be present and attuned.

and,

Let me listen with love.

I have a bad habit of listening to what everyone else thinks I should be doing. I really need to start to listen to my heart to hear what I need for my Soul development. I not only need to listen … I also need to act on what I hear. There’s so much I want to do, but I’m not doing it. I’m not … listening.

If I were to really listen to what my heart wanted me to know I would probably be surprised to hear what it said to me.

The very first thing that comes to the surface is that my heart wants to cry. It’s lonely and is hurting from not feeling like I’m worthy of being treated well … not even by myself.

There are so many things I want to do with my life and I don’t listen to those desires. I hear them. I make lists of things to do. I don’t follow through on them. I’m not listening at a sacred level. If I were, I would follow through on my list.

I not only don’t listen to my heart on a relationship level. I completely block it out. It hurts too much if I really listen to what it wants in order to feel alive. I need to spend some time listening to my heart and figuring out what I need to do with my relationships in order to be happy.

My heart also tells me that it’s scared. It’s scared that I will give up on my goals for this year and that I won’t act on what my year of self-discovery brings to the surface.

If I listen to my body a completely different type of message is heard. My body wants to be nurtured and cared for. It wants to live in a healthy way with nourishing food and energizing exercise. It wants to feel better. My body wants to feel loved, not used. It wants to be pampered with hugs, massages, warm bubble baths, and facials. It wants to wear nice clothes and have it’s hair to be taken care of properly. It wants energy to be able to accomplish everything my heart, body, and mind needs to feel whole, happy, and content.

If I were to listen to my mind it would tell me that it loves to learn, to figure things out, to be creative, and to be intelligent. It wants to be allowed to be everything it already is. It wants to thrive and to lead me to great places.

Listening is a perfect thing to continue throughout the year. I know what’s best for me. All I need to do is listen … and follow through.

I have a whole year to practice and perfect listening to myself. I’m surprised at how much I learned this week by simply taking the time to listen to myself!

The Spirit@Work Cards® is a registered trademark of the Secretan Center.

I’m at the end of my Higher Ground Leadership® Practicum, and I must admit I don’t quite feel the way I thought I would. I thought I would be exuberant, excited, and full of “Yes!  Way to Go’s!” I’m not. I would describe my feelings as sad … almost like saying good-bye to a really good friend that is moving half-way across the country. Not at all what I expected.

I have grown so much in the 100 days that I’ve been on this transformative journey. I had no idea when I started that this wasn’t about achieving my Higher Ground Leadership certification, nor was it about finishing the first draft of my memoir, Footprints On My Soul.

It became a journey of Courageously Accepting My Truth and Discovering Self-Acceptance. I became more comfortable with my childhood and being able to share my experiences. I have a deeper understanding of why I’m the person I am today, and why I’m afraid of things that make no sense to be afraid of. It makes sense now, and I can forgive myself for having those fears. They’re deep-rooted and they came from a child who thought those actions would keep her safe.

I shed lots of tears, and felt my body vibrate with remembered energy of childhood fear. The intensity of it surprising me at times. I wondered at how the little girl in me managed to live through it. If I were to be completely honest, I would have to admit that in a way I didn’t. Some of the memories are so painful, the only way to describe how experiencing it affected me is to say my childhood left footprints on my Soul. I doubt they will ever fully leave me unaffected.

My biggest surprise would be how profoundly The Castle Principles® (Courage, Authenticity, Service, Truthfulness, Love, and Effectiveness) and the Spirit@Work® Cards affected my writing of the first draft of the book, and how I felt about the abusers in my life. I wouldn’t say that I was angry or hateful towards them before I started this practicum. I had just never considered how they might have felt about what they did to me, or what might have happened in their lives that caused them to abuse me in the ways that they did. I’ll never know the answers. What I do know is that they are human, and therefore made some bad choices.

So … now what?

I’m going to continue with this blog site. I’m not sure what form it will end up taking. I plan on being authentic with whatever I write here.

I’m going to apply for my Higher Ground Leadership certification and my PCC coaching certification.

I’m definitely going to continue using the Spirit@Work® Cards and The Castle Principles® for my daily living and growth. I consider them to be excellent guides in achieving a gentler and kinder way of living. They are perfect for my Soul.

I’m about to start editing the first draft of my memoir. I expect it to take six to twelve months to complete. I’m looking forward to writing it with respect and judgment free awareness.

I have a few desired outcomes for the readers of my book.

1. That the readers will understand what life as an abused child is like.
2. If the readers were themselves abused, that they can see themselves in my writing and that my story will inspire them to explore their past and embrace the possibilities of a peaceful life.
3. If the readers were abusers, it is my hope that by understanding my story that they would consider what they did, and work towards being a different person.

For me, I want to be able to fully come to peace with what happened to me, and to be able to move forward. Life coaching is extremely important to me. I hope to be able to both inspire and touch Souls of people with similar backgrounds. And, through coaching, walk with them through their journey in discovering the good in their lives that came from the bad in their pasts. If I can do it … so can they.

These are two of my favourite thoughts:

1. My heart knows what your heart knows … and, I’m willing to meet you there.
2. Every challenge in life is an opportunity to grow … To discover who you really are.

Higher Ground Leadership Principles®, The Spirit@Work Cards®, and the Castle Principles® are registered trademarks of the Secretan Center.

I drew the Spirit@Work® Card – Freedom.  I have decided this card will be the perfect final card for this 100 Day Challenge and for my Higher Ground Leadership Practicum.

I will finish the first draft of my memoir, Footprints On My Soul, at the end of the challenge as I set out to do at the beginning of this journey. For me, Freedom is the perfect final card to draw and consider. I have changed immensely through the writing of the first draft and the reflecting I’ve done with the cards.  I believe that I have gained a start of realizing some Freedom from the memoires of my childhood that will help me to become the person I’m meant to be.

From the text:

The basic needs of the Soul are simple and straight forward. They include adequate information and the freedom to participate in making decisions – humble enough requirements for the everyday Soul. If these needs are not met, the Soul remains frustrated in its pursuit of wholeness and balance. Meeting these needs is therefore a prerequisite for inspiring the Soul.

and,

The Soul keeps searching and hoping that freedom will be found one day, and until that day comes, the Soul suffers.

and,

The Soul yearns to be fully creative, to unleash the natural creative spirit, freedom fosters creativity, and this intensifies the Souls natural urge to seek freedom in order to follow a path of creativity.

The entire poem spoke to me profoundly.  These were my favourite lines:

My Soul shouts to be free.

In quiet contemplation, I release my Soul and it soars.

Without shackles, it strengthens my identity and it smiles.

and,

Guide me in creating an environment of freedom in my surroundings.

To achieve this would be heaven on earth for me.

I love the thought of freedom and what it could mean for me. It would be amazing if when I publish my memoir, Footprints On My Soul, it is not only set free in the world, but that by releasing my story I’m also able to find freedom from my childhood. One could only hope.

When I wonder how freedom could affect the writing of the book, I imagine a caterpillar turning into a butterfly and then flying away as it releases its earthly ties. Could the writing of the book allow for me to release the memories that bind me to the scared child within me and set me free as an adult?

Higher Ground Leadership Principles®, The Spirit@Work Cards®, and the Castle Principles® are registered trademarks of the Secretan Center.

Oh Wow!! I drew the Spirit@Work® – creativity!

From the text:

Creativity fertilizes the Soul by encouraging personal development so that we may reap our harvest.  Creativity nourishes everything in life. Without creativity, we can exist be we cannot be truly alive.

and,

The act of creating something is a Soulful practice, but when the creative spirit is restrained, it rebels.

From the poem:

May I balance structure with freedom

And challenge with encouragement,

So that creativity can flourish

In a safe place, with recognition and support.

Guide me in my own creativity,

Helping me let go of the outcomes.

I love being creative and it truly nourishes my Soul.  For some strange reason I let go of almost all of my creative activities.  Perhaps that’s one of the reasons I have a sadness buried deep inside of me.  A place that I rarely visit.

I found that I was amused at how excited I was to draw the card creativity and how sad it made me feel when I actually thought about what the card meant.  It was not at all what I expected. True, the writing of the first draft of my memoir, Footprints on My Soul is a creative process. However, I’ve realized that it is almost the only creative thing I do now.

I’m looking forward to the editing stage of my memoir in the new year. That is where creativity will come alive for the book.  Rounding out scenes, adding historical events, and even playing with word and sentence structure are creative processes. I get to take all of my random memories and put them in order and bring life to them once again through the creation of a finished book.

Higher Ground Leadership Principles®, The Spirit@Work Cards®, and the Castle Principles® are registered trademarks of the Secretan Center.

I found the Spirit@Work® Card that I drew to be rather interesting.  It was another card that I found myself reading about over and over again.

These were my favourite passages from the text:

Humility is a sense of proportion and reverence for all of life – not just one’s own. It offers an intimate connection with God and the oneness of the Universe. Something that still permits, perhaps even encourages, us to have pride in the people we cherish and in the activities we enjoy.

Humility enables us to absorb both the thrills and disappointments of life with equal acceptance and equanimity.

and,

Humility is a daily practice, which we strive to deepen, so that we can place our emphasis on serving others instead of on ourselves.

From the poem:

Humility sees excellence and sacredness in all

And gives thanks for the gifts we hold.

and,

My calling is God’s gift to the world through me.

Guide my actions that I may humbly live my Calling

To help the world be a place of peace and love.

This is something I find to be so much bigger than what I could possibly hope to be. What if the sharing of my childhood is my calling? If it were it would strengthen the belief that everything happens for a reason. It would mean my childhood was a gift that could inspire others to find their gifts from challenging moments. That would bring a completely different perspective to who I really am and why I’m here. That same perspective could ring true for everyone.

At the same time, I’m tempted to say that I’m not really capable of serving others until I come to peace with my past. To understand who I really am and discover a way of living as the person I really am deep down at the core of my Soul.

Higher Ground Leadership Principles®, The Spirit@Work Cards®, and the Castle Principles® are registered trademarks of the Secretan Center.

The Spirit@Work® Card that I drew was encouragement.

The text from the book that resonated the most with me was:

We are all yearning for more love in our lives – not more fear.  It is the deepest yearning in our hearts. If we replace negative ways with encouragement, compassion, trust, patience, empathy, and love, we will inspire others and thus release their untapped potential.

and,

The Soul seeks encouragement.  We all know that things are not as we would like them to be, and we yearn to change them, but we lack the encouragement necessary to become actively involved in being and creating that change.

When I read this passage I immediately thought of how I would be able to deliver encouragement as a coach.  I wondered whether life changing inspiration was possible through the simple act of encouragement.  Such an empowering thought.

From the poem:

With new eyes I see working around me.

and,

Let my voice be guided in words of encouragement.

As I consider the card encouragement, I can’t help but wonder what my life could have been if I had received it from my parents as a child.  I continue to be amazed at the power that encouragement could have in a person’s life.

Higher Ground Leadership Principles®, The Spirit@Work Cards®, and the Castle Principles® are registered trademarks of the Secretan Center.